I’m a Fraud! Oh, Wait! Just Human.

Final summer sunset 2019.

Final summer sunset 2019.

It’s officially the first day of autumn, and I’m reaping my harvest. I’ve been experiencing epiphanies and uncovering and exploring old, deep beliefs. So, here I am, again, in a multi-layered transformation. In this life so far, I find that, for me, the discovery and exploration of the deep beliefs and patterns is often just as important, if not more important, than the dismantling, unraveling, shedding, releasing of said beliefs and patterns. Yet, right now it feels like this belief is in a central aspect of my being and very rooted, and I am feeling my mental body try to kick in and overwhelm (overthink) the rest of me.

In recent years, I’ve discovered and recognized the belief that “there will never be enough for me to do more than eke out a living.” Wait, what?! Here’s the thing with the old, deep beliefs, there’s never any logic involved. These are beliefs that are epigenetic, that are tied into the reptilian part of our brains, that are about survival. This summer’s harvest has uncovered the belief that “I can never be enough” which leads to constantly striving for perfection in the hopes that no one will notice that I am a fraud (at being human). I know! Just today I was journaling and found my brain trying to take over with worries and fears about what to do with these beliefs and the patterns they hold together.

My process is my process (just as your process is your process). It is one of flow, one of deeply being me in my daily practices: walking, writing, gratitude. I recognize and acknowledge the belief and then I let go of it and it’s like the idea or essence of it floats around in my being. And I start to feel or see where it is connected to or in other parts of me; I start to sense the patterns within me that have grown from the belief. I tend not to even look for the whys of a belief, though sometimes they’ll appear somewhere along the journey. The now is where I focus. So, here I am at the equinox, opening to the strong, accessible energy of balance, feeling it stream into me. And working with this balance, I can feel the shifts begin at my core.

It is a new season, a new day, and I am always me even as I am a new me with each breath. Breathe, be you, part of the whole.